Anxiety: My Hibernating Bear
Ahhh, Anxiety. A hot topic these days. Which is good. It's good to talk about it, great actually. It's so great that people are actually talking about it. The more it's talked about, the more it is normalized, and the more we reduce the stigma.
I've read a lot of these blog posts about people and their personal experiences with anxiety. And a lot of them, I can relate to, at least a little bit. But, none of them seem to capture my whole experience. That's probably because it's unlikely that any two experiences are going to be the exact same. So, I want to share my personal experience with anxiety, and I hope to capture some of the way others feel as well.
Living with Anxiety, regardless of its severity, is like living with a hibernating bear. For myself anyway. Sometimes that bear is in a deep hibernating sleep, sometimes hibernation is over and you know that the bear is waking up, and sometimes... someone poked the bear and it woke up without any warning.
I have been diagnosed with both anxiety and depression. General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Persistent Depressive Disorder (AKA Dysthymia). Or at least I think that's what my therapist said. GAD is a persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things. Dysthymia is basically a low-grade, long term depression: something I've had the pleasure to experience since around the time I was fourteen-years-old. The worst part of being diagnosed with both, in my opinion, is that they seem to work together (or against each other depending on how you look at it) 99% of the time.
So a short summary of my life with anxiety, is that I'm almost always excessively worrying about something.
Whether it's the increase in mass shootings and I'm always on edge in public places... always.
Or I'm sitting in traffic realizing that I pulled up too far and there isn't enough space for me to get out if I needed to,
Or being worried because I don't have at least five backup plans to my one probably fairly fool-proof original plan,
Or quietly going insane wondering if my husband is upset with me because he was unusually quiet at dinner,
Or every time the doorbell rings wondering if it's somebody who's going to come in and kill us,
Or re-reading every text, email, message, etc. 100 times before I send it and another 100 times after I send it. Then re-reading it another 100 times if I don't get a response in a timely manner,
Or obsessing over wondering what people are thinking/saying about me,
Or replaying a situation in my head over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-over again wondering if I should have done something different,
And God forbid I have to make any adult decisions. . . immediately afterwards I feel sick to my stomach over whether or not I made the right choice, which always makes me feel like I've made the wrong one. Because why would I feel so terrible after making the decision if it was the right one?
Oh yes. Anxiety.
Or excessively worrying every time my boss closes his door that he's in there talking about something I've done wrong,
Or repeatedly reading this blog post and making sure there's nothing that could offend anyone or make me look silly and wondering if I should even post it,
Or, or, or, or, or. And, and, and, and, and.
Yes, I could go on forever, but I hope you get the picture so I don't have to. It's not always super-big-stressful-scary stuff: but sometimes it is. And no matter how super-big-stressful-scary it seems, it always seems super-big-stressful-scary to me.
Now, all of these scenarios may seem like normal worries that everyone has at some point; and that is probably true, but it's more than that for people diagnosed with Anxiety. These worries and fears exhaust me. Often, I find it hard to concentrate on everyday events, such as work, school, family, friends, etc. because I am fully consumed with irrational worries and fears, and there is no off switch. There is no magic button to make it go away.
My favorite, and the one that hits me most often when the Anxiety and Depression are working together, is when I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I can be having a great day, and all of the sudden, I start to feel like I'm just being a bother. Then, because I feel like I'm bothering everyone, like I'm worthless, like my very presence is unwanted, I start to feel deeply depressed. Honestly, the worst part about it is that I know how ridiculous these thoughts are. I know that it's just the anxiety/depression taking over; but even knowing that, I can't just make it go away. I can stop myself while I wallow in self-pity, re-evaluate the situation, and think to myself, "This is ridiculous. You have no reason to feel this way. Nothing happened to make everyone hate you. You didn't do anything to anyone. Just, STOP." But, having those thoughts don't make it better; telling myself that it's irrational thinking and it's just the anxiety talking doesn't make it go away. Knowing it's not real actually makes it worse, IMO. Because then I get mad at myself; and then adding to the thoughts that I'm worthless and annoying, I get angry because I can't control the way I feel. I can't control my feelings when the anxiety takes over, and that is really scary. Not being able to control it, is scary. I just have to try and get through the day. Try to get my work done, do my best at ignoring those thoughts, and just get through the day: one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
On those "down days" as I like to call them, it's important to have a good support system. If I didn't have my husband, my kids, or the few friends I can openly talk to about it, I don't know how I would get through some of those days.
To those who have felt this way, if you're not seeing a counselor, you should consider it. There is no shame in going to therapy. If nothing else, going to see a counselor shows your strength. It shows that you know you need a little assistance to get through these tough times. It is perfectly okay to ask for help.
To those who love someone who has felt/or feels this way, be supportive. And they will let you know what kind of support they need. Whether it's a day that they need to be left alone, or a day where they need you to let them be a little extra needy. Or maybe they won't let you know what kind of support they need, but it will definitely not help if you say things like, "just stop worrying." or "you're being ridiculous." or any variation of the many things we've all heard similar to these two. Just be there for them.
I've read a lot of these blog posts about people and their personal experiences with anxiety. And a lot of them, I can relate to, at least a little bit. But, none of them seem to capture my whole experience. That's probably because it's unlikely that any two experiences are going to be the exact same. So, I want to share my personal experience with anxiety, and I hope to capture some of the way others feel as well.
Living with Anxiety, regardless of its severity, is like living with a hibernating bear. For myself anyway. Sometimes that bear is in a deep hibernating sleep, sometimes hibernation is over and you know that the bear is waking up, and sometimes... someone poked the bear and it woke up without any warning.
I have been diagnosed with both anxiety and depression. General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Persistent Depressive Disorder (AKA Dysthymia). Or at least I think that's what my therapist said. GAD is a persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things. Dysthymia is basically a low-grade, long term depression: something I've had the pleasure to experience since around the time I was fourteen-years-old. The worst part of being diagnosed with both, in my opinion, is that they seem to work together (or against each other depending on how you look at it) 99% of the time.
So a short summary of my life with anxiety, is that I'm almost always excessively worrying about something.
Whether it's the increase in mass shootings and I'm always on edge in public places... always.
Or I'm sitting in traffic realizing that I pulled up too far and there isn't enough space for me to get out if I needed to,
Or being worried because I don't have at least five backup plans to my one probably fairly fool-proof original plan,
Or quietly going insane wondering if my husband is upset with me because he was unusually quiet at dinner,
Or every time the doorbell rings wondering if it's somebody who's going to come in and kill us,
Or re-reading every text, email, message, etc. 100 times before I send it and another 100 times after I send it. Then re-reading it another 100 times if I don't get a response in a timely manner,
Or obsessing over wondering what people are thinking/saying about me,
Or replaying a situation in my head over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-over again wondering if I should have done something different,
And God forbid I have to make any adult decisions. . . immediately afterwards I feel sick to my stomach over whether or not I made the right choice, which always makes me feel like I've made the wrong one. Because why would I feel so terrible after making the decision if it was the right one?
Oh yes. Anxiety.
Or excessively worrying every time my boss closes his door that he's in there talking about something I've done wrong,
Or repeatedly reading this blog post and making sure there's nothing that could offend anyone or make me look silly and wondering if I should even post it,
Or, or, or, or, or. And, and, and, and, and.
Yes, I could go on forever, but I hope you get the picture so I don't have to. It's not always super-big-stressful-scary stuff: but sometimes it is. And no matter how super-big-stressful-scary it seems, it always seems super-big-stressful-scary to me.
Now, all of these scenarios may seem like normal worries that everyone has at some point; and that is probably true, but it's more than that for people diagnosed with Anxiety. These worries and fears exhaust me. Often, I find it hard to concentrate on everyday events, such as work, school, family, friends, etc. because I am fully consumed with irrational worries and fears, and there is no off switch. There is no magic button to make it go away.
My favorite, and the one that hits me most often when the Anxiety and Depression are working together, is when I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I can be having a great day, and all of the sudden, I start to feel like I'm just being a bother. Then, because I feel like I'm bothering everyone, like I'm worthless, like my very presence is unwanted, I start to feel deeply depressed. Honestly, the worst part about it is that I know how ridiculous these thoughts are. I know that it's just the anxiety/depression taking over; but even knowing that, I can't just make it go away. I can stop myself while I wallow in self-pity, re-evaluate the situation, and think to myself, "This is ridiculous. You have no reason to feel this way. Nothing happened to make everyone hate you. You didn't do anything to anyone. Just, STOP." But, having those thoughts don't make it better; telling myself that it's irrational thinking and it's just the anxiety talking doesn't make it go away. Knowing it's not real actually makes it worse, IMO. Because then I get mad at myself; and then adding to the thoughts that I'm worthless and annoying, I get angry because I can't control the way I feel. I can't control my feelings when the anxiety takes over, and that is really scary. Not being able to control it, is scary. I just have to try and get through the day. Try to get my work done, do my best at ignoring those thoughts, and just get through the day: one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
On those "down days" as I like to call them, it's important to have a good support system. If I didn't have my husband, my kids, or the few friends I can openly talk to about it, I don't know how I would get through some of those days.
To those who have felt this way, if you're not seeing a counselor, you should consider it. There is no shame in going to therapy. If nothing else, going to see a counselor shows your strength. It shows that you know you need a little assistance to get through these tough times. It is perfectly okay to ask for help.
To those who love someone who has felt/or feels this way, be supportive. And they will let you know what kind of support they need. Whether it's a day that they need to be left alone, or a day where they need you to let them be a little extra needy. Or maybe they won't let you know what kind of support they need, but it will definitely not help if you say things like, "just stop worrying." or "you're being ridiculous." or any variation of the many things we've all heard similar to these two. Just be there for them.
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